The Mask of Despondency
by ChristyG
Summary: Is Adam suicidal? And can his brothers step in to save his life?


Adam Cartwright was an unhappy man. And as he cleaned out the barn stalls, his constant grumbling under his breath made his state of mind crystal-clear to anyone who cared to listen.

"Why Pa has to invite every person he meets to stay at the Ponderosa is beyond my comprehension," he muttered sullenly.

Of course, it wasn't beyond his comprehension at all. Adam knew full well the reason that Ben Cartwright had extended an invitation to Aaron Borden despite the relatively short duration of their friendship. And it had nothing what whatsoever to do with Aaron. Well, not directly. The real incentive behind Ben's open hospitality wasn't Aaron at all. It was his daughter Jennifer.

Adam glowered as he thought of her. What Hoss and Little Joe saw in the girl frankly baffled him. Well, perhaps not Joe. Joe just saw flaxen hair and all the trimmings and was perfectly happy to sign on the dotted line and begin presenting Pa with the grandchildren he'd been becoming more and more vociferous about demanding.

But Hoss! Adam shook his head as he leaned on the pitchfork. Hoss had always shown more sense when it came to women. Hoss had sense enough to realize that there was such a thing as having to look at someone over the breakfast table day after long, miserable day, and that people's habits could become quite wearying in time.

Adam considered the idea of having Jennifer Borden as a sister-in-law and shuddered. The Bordens had only been staying with the Cartwrights for a week, and Jennifer's habits already wearied him. She talked constantly, and although he had overheard Little Joe telling her that her voice reminded him of the chirping of a bird, privately Adam thought it sounded more like the squeaking of a badly-rusted hinge. In the evenings, when his work was done and etiquette demanded that he pay some attention to the guests, Adam listened to the soupy female droning on and on and more than once had found himself staring fixedly at the fruit bowl as he fantasized about shoving an apple down her throat.

Of course, Adam's dislike for Jennifer was equaled only by Jennifer's dislike of Adam. To her, Adam was everything a man should not be: grumpy, work-obsessed, and preferring the company of books to listening to her. Not to mention his bizarre habit of constantly offering her apples. If all Ben Cartwright's sons had been as bad as Adam, she'd have insisted that her father take her right away from the ranch. Fortunately, Mr Cartwright had done a better job of raising the younger two. Both Little Joe and Hoss hung on her every word and constantly vied for her attention. She couldn't decide which one she liked better, and as a result, her father had mentioned to her last night that if she couldn't make up her mind, they might as well spend the winter on the Ponderosa so that she could pick. Jennifer thought of a long winter with Hoss and Joe waiting on her hand and foot and smiled to herself. Of course, that meant more time spent with that awful Adam, but there were sacrifices she was willing to make on behalf of love.

Adam had made cleaning the barn last as long as humanly possible so that he could avoid sitting in front of the fire being held captive by Jennifer's inane ramblings—most of which were limited to either herself or the latest fashion trends from Paris. Adam stared resentfully at the house and considered taking Sport, his spirited sorrel, for an evening ride, but knew that Pa would consider ignoring the guests to be falling far short of the mark of propriety. Pa was rather strong on propriety.

He dragged his feet slowly across the yard and entered the house. As he'd suspected, he found Ben and Aaron deep in a game of chess while Jennifer, Joe, and Hoss sat near the fire. Jennifer was talking, as usual, and Adam snorted in derision at the twin expressions of rapt infatuation that lit his brothers' faces. He thought perhaps that no one had noticed his arrival, so he decided to make a quick sneak up the back stairs and go to bed. Just as he began sidling towards the kitchen he heard his father's voice.

"Adam? That you?"

Adam's shoulders sagged. "Yes Pa," he said.

"Did you finish your brothers' chores?"

"Yes Pa."

Adam's instant dislike of Jennifer, coupled with his brothers' obvious fascination had inspired Ben to award Adam the unmitigated pleasure of doing all three boys' chores. When Ben had made the announcement, Adam had been torn between hearty resentment at the triple workload and deep gratitude at the time it afforded him out of the house. One week on he still couldn't decide which feeling ought to win out, so he compromised by constantly walking around in a snit.

"Why don't you bring in the coffee then, Son."

Adam sent a nasty glare towards his father, which, fortunately for him, went unnoticed. He entered the kitchen and took the tray that Hop Sing, the family cook, was preparing.

"Got any poison handy?" Adam asked.

Hop Sing grinned. He'd been with the family since before Little Joe was born and nothing about the Cartwrights escaped his notice. Adam's deepening gloom was all too clear to the man.

"For Missy Jennifer or for self?" Hop Sing asked, a twinkle in his dark eyes.

"At this point I don't care, just so long as one of us kicks it," Adam grumbled.

Hop Sing patted Adam's arm. "They here one week now. Leave soon, Hop Sing think."

"Not if she hitches up with Joe or Hoss."

"Well, then build other house, and Mr Adam not have to see," Hop Sing pointed out reasonably.

"But I'll know she's here. I tell you, Hop Sing, the Ponderosa is only 1,000 square miles. That's not nearly large enough for the two of us to live peaceable on it."

He gave Hop Sing a wink, picked up the tray, and carried it back to the living room. He was just in time to hear Jennifer telling his brothers that she and her father would be staying the winter.

At the announcement, Adam's legs suddenly gave way beneath him, and he sprawled, face-first, onto the floor, the tray of coffee and dessert flying from his hands, and the contents coming to rest in equal amounts on Joe, Hoss, and Jennifer.

The three jumped to their feet and Jennifer began castigating Adam roundly for his clumsiness. Adam's head began to ache as her high-pitched squeaking grated on his ears. He dragged himself to his feet, still shaken by the hideous proclamation, and wanting nothing more than to shut the blasted woman up.

"Would you care for an apple?" he offered hospitably.

"No I would not care for an apple, Mr Cartwright. I shall retire to my room!" Jennifer flounced out and Joe and Hoss turned quickly on Adam.

"Dang, Adam. I ain't never seen you so clumsy!" Hoss started.

"Oh, no. He did it on purpose!" Joe stormed. "He's just mad `cause Jennifer's sweet on me `stead'a him so he decided to go and ruin it!"

Hoss rounded on Joe, scowling darkly. "It's me she's sweet on Little Joe, not you, and don't you go fergettin' it!" He poked Joe in the chest for added emphasis.

Joe's quick temper flared and he shoved his much-bigger brother back. "Oh no you don't, Hoss! You've been tryin' to horn in ever since the Bordens got here, and I ain't puttin' up with it! You got it?"

"It ain't hornin' in when a gal prefers my company," Hoss shot back.

"BOYS!" Ben shouted.

All three turned guiltily to Ben whose eyes were snapping angrily.

"Did I raise sons or wild animals?" he roared. "Is that any way to act in front of our guests?"

Aaron smiled indulgently at Hoss and Joe. "Now Ben, a young man in love is apt to act rashly. Let's not hold it against them." He spared Adam a pained glance. "And I suppose anyone can trip," he admitted grudgingly.

With an obvious effort, Ben controlled his temper. He smiled at Aaron. "Thank you for being so understanding. Perhaps we can finish this game tomorrow. It's getting late, and I'm sure your daughter would appreciate a moment of your company before bed." He looked back at his boys. "Hoss, Joe, I think it's time for you two to say `good-night'. Adam..." he gnashed his teeth, "clean up that mess!"

"Yes Pa," the three chorused as they hastened off to do his bidding.

The next morning at breakfast, the dark circles under Adam's eyes attested to the fact that Jennifer's announcement had left him unable to sleep. He pushed his food around his plate listlessly, showing  
little interest in anything except coffee.

Hoss, lovelorn though he was, noticed his older brother's lack of appetite. "What's the matter, Adam? Ain't feelin' well?"

Adam wasn't feeling particularly disposed to talk to his family at the moment. It was Pa's fault he had too much work to do, and his brothers' fault those half-witted Bordens didn't leave. As a result, he only shrugged when his brother addressed him. Hoss looked at him in concern. Across the table, Joe watched the exchange and suddenly a cunning light appeared in his eyes.

When Adam could stand Jennifer's chattering no longer he pushed away his uneaten breakfast and made good his escape. Hoss' troubled eyes followed his brother.

Once the rest of the group had finished eating, Hoss and Joe made their way to the barn. They had made plans with Jennifer the day before for a nice, long ride in the country and began to saddle the horses. As they worked, Hoss glanced at Sport's empty stall.

"Hope Adam's okay. He didn't seem too good at breakfast," the big man remarked.

Joe looked gravely at his brother. "Hoss, if I tell you something, will you promise not to repeat it?"

Hoss looked at him quizzically. "Sure."

"Well, Adam came to my room last night for a chat. I tell you, Hoss, I'm worried about him."

Hoss looked alarmed. "How come?"

Joe bit his lip. "He swore me to secrecy, Hoss..."

"Now Joe, you know you cain't keep a secret if Adam's sick or somethin'."

"Well, all right. But you have to promise you won't tell Pa."

Hoss nodded earnestly.

"Well, see, Adam was talkin' last night, and he was might depressed. Hoss, he said he didn't want to live no more!"

Hoss' eyes opened wide in shock. "No, not Adam! I mean, I know he can get sorta depressed now and again, but it ain't like he's ever been suicidal!"

"Well he is now. He said somethin' about nothing matterin' anymore, and nobody carin' about him and all, and what's the point of livin'?"

"He cain't think we don't care nothin' `bout him!"

"Well, you know, he's been doing the work of all three of us, and it ain't like we've been payin' any attention to him. Maybe it just finally got to him."

"What do you think we ought'a do?"

"Nothin' we can do. He made me promise not to stop spending time with Jennifer. Said it's only right that someone ought to be happy. And it's for sure you can't stop spending time with her, `cause you ain't s'posed to know how he's feeling."

"But Joe, we gotta do somethin'! Fer all we know, he could be out there harmin' himself right now."

"I know, Hoss, but he made me take a solemn vow not to change my plans with Jennifer."

Hoss' face hardened. "Well, he didn't make me take no vow," he said firmly. "Joe, here's what we're gonna do. You go on and take Jennifer riding, and I'm gonna go out after Adam."

"But Hoss, he'll know I told!"

"No he won't. I won't say nothin' `bout it. I'll just tell Adam I've been missin' him and wanted to spend the day with him."

Joe managed not to grin. "Well, if that's what you think is best, Hoss..." he said slowly. "Just remember. Don't tell him I told. It might make him do something rash."

"You just make sure Jennifer has a good time. I'll take care of Adam."

Joe patted Hoss on the back. "You're a good brother, Hoss."

"Yeah, well, I'll see you tonight. And don't worry. I'll keep Adam safe."

He mounted Chubb and took off quickly in the direction he knew Adam had gone.

Joe watched his brother ride off and began to laugh delightedly. Then he turned and went to the house to fetch Jennifer, very much looking forward to some time alone with her.

Adam had been working a rather desultory sort of way, but he was just so tired. Finally he gave up and decided he'd be more productive after a nap. Consequently, he lay down in the green pasture and slipped quickly into sleep. Half an hour later, Hoss rode up and saw Sport picketed next to the fence that Adam had been mending. He frowned. There was the fence, and there were the fencing materials, but where was Adam? Suddenly his eye alighted on a dark shape sprawled on the ground. Hoss' eyes opened wide in fright, and he was off his mount in a heartbeat, running toward his brother. Adam wasn't moving, and Hoss could only hope that he wasn't too late. He dropped to his knees next to the black-clad form and began slapping Adam roughly across the face to rouse him.

"Adam!" Hoss called frantically. "Adam!"

Adam jerked awake to someone smacking his face. His eyes flew open, and his hand shot out, grabbing his brother's wrist in mid-swing. He stared up into Hoss' anxious blue eyes.

"Why are you slapping me?" Adam inquired politely after a long moment of baffled silence.

"Just makin' sure you was okay," Hoss answered, relieved.

"You have to slap me to ascertain whether I'm all right?" Adam looked annoyed. "Slap me again, and you'll be the one not okay." His eyelids dropped shut again, and Hoss panicked. What if Adam had taken an overdose of laudanum or something?

"Don't go to sleep!" he exclaimed loudly, grabbing Adam by the shirtfront and shaking heartily.

Adam's eyes popped open again. "Let me alone!" he roared, smacking his brother's hands away.

"No, I ain't gonna let you alone! Adam, I love you!"

Adam stared up at his brother blankly, wondering if perhaps one of them had a touch of sun-fever. "Well, if you love me, maybe you wouldn't mind doing me the favor of letting me get some sleep," he snapped. "What on earth is the matter with you, anyway?"

Hoss sat down in the grass, and after a long minute of wishing that once in a while he could just have some peace, Adam rose to a sitting position beside him. He looked over at his brother. "So. Care to enlighten me as to why you're here plighting your troth to me, instead of spending time with Jennifer?"

Hoss squirmed. He'd always been particularly rotten at keeping secrets. "Now, Adam, promise you won't get mad..."

Uh-oh, Adam thought. Must be worse than I thought.

"Joe only told me what you said 'cause he's worried about you."

Adam's eyes narrowed. "Oh? And just what did our dear little brother say?"

"He done told me how you was feelin' sad and all, and didn't want to live no more, but how you wouldn't stand fer us not spendin' time with Jennifer so's we could be happy at least. Adam, why didn't you tell me? You know how you always help me when I'm feelin' low. Don't you think I'd wanna help you, too?"

Adam closed his eyes and shook his head. He'd known Hoss to swallow some of Joe's bigger lies, but this one took all the prizes.

He opened his mouth to deny the charge, but hit by sudden inspiration, he instead looked up at his brother with large, mournful eyes. "But I know how you fret over the family, Hoss, and I didn't want to worry you."

Hoss put his arm around his brother's shoulders. "Now that ain't any way t'talk. That's what family's fer. Anyways, if you'd a told me you was feelin' low, I could have cheered you up."

Adam sighed deeply. "I don't think that's possible."

"Sure it is. Why look at these here surroundings. We've got towerin' mountains with beautiful pines on `em, and here we are sittin' in green pastureland as far as the eye can see!"

Adam looked around himself. "But the grass will be dead in a few months, Hoss. Everything dies, even people. It's so sad..." His voice trailed off.

Hoss looked at his brother in alarm. "Now that ain't any way to be thinkin'. Come on. Let's take a break today and go back to the house. Or maybe to town."

Adam shook his head. "You go ahead. I don't want to see anybody. I'm too depressed," he said pitifully.

"Aw come on, Adam. As a favor to me?" Hoss wheedled.

Adam dragged himself sorrowfully to his feet. "I suppose so. For you," he said in a doomed, hopeless sort of voice.

Hoss beamed. "That a-boy," he said cheerfully. "We'll have you feelin' right as rain in no time."

Adam gazed at his brother with sad yet hopeful eyes. "Do you really think so?" he asked.

Hoss slapped him on the back. "Sure thing. Here, let me get your horse."

"You don't have to," Adam said, disheartened. "I'll get him."

"No, no. You just let ol' Hoss take care of his big brother."

Adam looked up at the blond, blue-eyed man. "You're a good brother, Hoss. I'll miss you when I'm gone."

Hoss looked at his brother in alarm. "Now you won't be missin' me, `cause you ain't goin' no place. Just to town." He moved quickly to Sport and brought him over to Adam. "Need some help getting up?"

Adam looked at the large animal despondently. "Have you ever thought how unfair it is that we ride horses? What right have we got to make them work for us, anyway? Maybe I should walk."

Hoss was becoming more and more agitated. How could anyone be so depressed over riding a horse? Adam loved riding horses. "I think Sport'd be right sore if you didn't ride him. Don't you?" he asked  
hopefully.

Adam shook his head. "No. I think he'd appreciate a break. I've been riding all over this ranch the last week, and it's not fair. I'll just walk." He took Sport's reins and began walking dejectedly in the general direction of the ranch house.

Hoss watched him, wanting to scream with frustration. Finally he hit on a solution. "Chubb ain't been rode much lately. Why don't you ride him? It'll make him feel better. He's been wanting some exercise."

Adam looked at his brother. "Well, what about you?"

"I'll walk," Hoss said firmly, though distinctly without relish.

Adam gave Hoss a tired smile. "You're a good brother, Hoss. Did I tell you that already?"

"Yeah, Adam ya did. Now you just get up on ol' Chubby there, and I'll lead the horses."

Adam managed to swing into the saddle, and then sat back, grinning evilly as he watched Hoss take both horses by the reins and lead them back to the house.

Over an hour later Hoss strolled tiredly into the yard, still leading the horses. Adam, who had been sitting up cheerfully taking in the sights, now slumped down in the saddle, the picture of despondency. Hoss tied the horses to the hitching post and then turned to his brother. "Come on down, Adam. Let's go on in."

Adam slid from the horse's back and managed to remain on his feet despite his crushing depression. "I need to take care of the horses."

"No, no. I'll do that. You go on in and change into somethin' nice and we'll head to town."

Adam nodded sadly and shuffled brokenly towards the house. Once he'd closed the door behind him he ran smartly up the stairs and changed into his good clothes. If he was going to town, he should look his  
best. Out in the barn, Hoss was putting the horses away when Joe came in leading Cochise and the horse Jennifer had been riding. Hoss looked at his brother in surprise. "What're you doin' back so soon?"

Joe looked pained. "Jennifer said it was too sunny out. So I took her to the shade and she said it was too shady."

"Huh." Hoss dismissed Jennifer from his mind. "Joe, you was sure right about Adam."

"Oh yeah? What about?"

"About him bein' suicidal."

Joe looked astonished. "I was? What makes you think something like that?"

"Sure was. I was just talkin' to him, and he was sayin' how everythin' dies, and then he wouldn't even ride Sport. Joe, we gotta cheer him up."

Joe was becoming concerned. Come to think of it, Adam really hadn't been himself lately. Maybe he really was depressed. "Really gloomy, huh? Well, how you plan to cheer him up?"

"I'm taking him t'town. Maybe you should come to. You know how good you are at cheerin' people up."

"But what about Jennifer?" Joe asked, affronted

Hoss frowned at his brother. "What's more important? A girl or our brother?"

Joe considered this for a long moment, until Hoss glared hard at him. "I reckon Adam is..." Joe finally offered, though somewhat reluctantly.

"Dang right, he is. Now he's in the house changin'. I'll hook up the buggy and you go get him."

Joe shrugged affably. He was always happy to go to town. Besides, Jennifer might enjoy it. She might have proven herself to be a bit of a pill on the ride today, but there was always that flaxen hair to think about. "Okay," he said agreeably as he headed towards the house. He headed up the stairs and knocked on Adam's door.

"Come in," a mournful voice answered. Joe frowned and swung open the door. He saw his brother wearing his best suit and a very long face.

"Uh, hey, Adam. You look nice. I like that suit."

Adam glanced down at his dark-blue go-to-meeting jacket. "This would be a good suit to be buried in," he commented dolefully.

Joe stared at his brother. "Umm...Hoss said we're going to town..."

Adam nodded slowly, the slight movement almost too much for his melancholy soul to bear. "I suppose so. At least, I promised Hoss I'd go. Maybe it should just be the two of you. I'll just stay home and do some work. You know, put everything to rest..."

"No!" Joe replied quickly. "No let's all go. It'll be fun."

Adam turned dejected eyes on his little brother. "But what about Jennifer?"

"Oh, I expect she'll enjoy going to."

If possible, Adam looked even more downcast. "You three go. In fact, you can take Pa and Mr Borden. I'll just stay here...alone..."

"NO!" Joe replied, truly alarmed now. Jennifer meant nothing compared to his beloved, and apparently suicidal, brother. "How 'bout just us three. Like always. We can have us a real good time!"

Adam looked positively weepy. "You're a good brother, Joe," he said, plaintively. "A good, good brother."

Joe helped Adam down the stairs and out the door, never thinking to mention to Ben where the three were going. Although Adam didn't seem to have the energy to get in the buggy unaided, in no time the brothers found themselves seated around a table at the Silver Dollar Saloon. Joe, still terrified for his brother, dug deep into his pockets and managed to find enough money for beers.

"To brothers!" he toasted happily.

"To brothers," Hoss echoed, raising his own glass.

Adam looked despondently down into his beer. "To brothers," he whispered softly, the weight of the world clearly on his shoulders.

Joe and Hoss exchanged a look. Tonight Adam was going to have the time of his life, even if it cost them each a month's salary. After all, they were brothers.

At approximately three o'clock in the morning the buggy pulled slowly back into the front yard of the ranch house. Three very loud, very intoxicated Cartwright boys managed, without too much stumbling and toppling about, to make it to the front porch where Hoss began laughing boisterously, and the other two shushed him in equally loud, strident voices. The three teetered towards the front door when it suddenly burst wide, and to their surprise, out popped a very large, very red-faced father.

"JUST WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Ben Cartwright demanded of his sons. Adam, Hoss, and Joe stared silently at their father like three criminals caught red-handed before, almost as one, they dissolved into helpless laughter.

"You think this is funny, do you?" Ben stormed. "I hope you know that your rudeness has cost us our houseguests! Jennifer was so infuriated that you ran out on her that she insisted that her father take her right away. I expect they're half way to San Francisco by now."

Adam cheered even more. "She's gone?" he asked in utter delight.

"Yes, Adam she is. I hope you three are proud of yourselves! I don't know what woman any of you think will ever marry you, behaving like drunk cowhands on a bender. I'm ashamed of you! Just what do you have to say for yourselves?"

The three boys looked at one another. "TO BROTHERS!" they whooped as trooped past their father to make their way unsteadily to bed.

END


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